Happy Valentine's Day. Love is in the air. It's time to take your lady out on the town. Dress well. Buy her some flowers. Even if she said no gift, buy her a gift. It's time to give thoughtful presents, and make thoughtful gestures. It's time, once again, to sit down with your intelligent professor, and ponder another important facet of film in this week's installment of CraveOnline's Free Film School. Attend this school with a potential mate, and the two of you will be lovers before sunup, guaranteed (actual results may vary).

It's also the perfect time of year to watch romantic movies. I suggest Cameron Crowe's Say Anything…, any of the Astaire/Rogers films, (500) Days of Summer, Woody Allen's Everyone Says I Love You, and Michael Haneke's The Piano Teacher. I know what a lot of the males reading this article are thinking right at this moment. You're thinking that you hate romantic movies. Many men hate films that center on a romance, or can be classified as a “romcom.” Most of these films are marked by their bright lighting, sprightly dialogue, and female protagonists concerned with her romantic future. Hollywood knows full well that most male audiences don't want to see films like this, so they wisely counter-program every Valentine's Day. There is one major romantic release, and then one boy-oriented action film release. The major romance to be released this year was The Vow with Rachel McAdams and Channing Tatum. The major action release for the following week will be Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance featuring a flame-headed demon on a motorcycle. There is even one to split the difference, This Means War, opening on Tuesday (!), about an action-packed love triangle between Reese Witherspoon and two dueling spies played by Tom Hardy and Chris Pine. We'll have to see how the romance/action genre works over the course of the week, and the film's box office numbers come in.

(The sparse number of films actually about women is actually kind of sad, but that's an article for another time. Consider this, though: bechdeltest.com/)

So yeah, there are plenty of boys who hate romance films, and plenty of action films playing on Valentine's Day. But, to the frustrated romance-loving girlfriends, I will offer the ultimate counter-argument. You see, when you look at just about any film, you'll find it's a love story.  Or at least has a love story in it. Yes, just about every film. Seriously. Think about it. Think about your favorite action film. Let's look at Die Hard. Die Hard is about a New York cop who finds himself locked in an Los Angeles office building with a bunch of terrorists. Shootouts and explosions ensue. But why is he in Los Angeles? Why, to reunite with his estranged wife. And what happens at the film's end? They reunite. The plot may be about the terrorists, but the prominent subplot is about John McClane getting back together with Holly. Love is what drives Die Hard.

Now here's the real test: Look over your video collection (or your online queue, if you prefer) and tell me which of the dramas (documentaries don't count) have romantic subplots. Look over all of them. The action films. The horror films. The comedies. The heist films. The musicals. The westerns. The war films. The kitchen sink realist dramas. The children's films. The surrealist films. I'm willing to bet that a good, solid 90% of the films you're looking at have a romance as the central conceit, or, at the very least, have a love story in it. Most of the film's you're looking at likely spend a good deal of dramatic time dealing with the romantic relationship between a man and a woman. The Godfather might be a Shakspearean tragedy about how Michael sells out to become a powerful king in the mob world, but the final shot of the film is about how he rejects his wife. Dracula may be about a vampire menace that intends to kill hundreds with murder and a plague, but its drama is about the romantic leanings of Mina toward Jonathan. One could even say that Dorothy was in love with the Scarecrow.

Sure, there are exceptions to the rule (The Great Escape has no women in it, and no mention of romance). But you'll find that most dramas are infused with love. To the point where it can be curious. We must include romance in every film we make. Our need to seek or to find a mate is such a basic part of our human-ness that we can't help but add love stories into every story we write. We all love Ghostbusters, right? There's a romance in Ghostbusters. Dana and Peter. And while I'm a sucker for a good love story, thinking about this can be a bit peculiar. Surely the vastness of human experience does put a few of our interests outside the purview of our direct romantic relationships. There are issues of politics, of social concerns, of spirituality, of social foibles, of success, of family, of morals, of music, of what makes us happy, of what our inner souls are constructed of, of what Batman we prefer. Surely, not all of these concerns link to romance, right? And while they may in the sense that we're each individually vast oceans of humanity, containing depth and intelligence and love and a great many things that contradict one another, surely we can compartmentalize.

If films are any gauge, though, we cannot. Every story must have a romantic subplot. It's harder to think of exceptions. Our preoccupation with love and sex is so great, that we must include it in everything, sometimes to the point of damage. Consider any children's movie. Let's look at one a lot of people saw, and look at Shrek. Yeah, Shrek is about how two ogres eventually come to overcome their misanthropy in their need to do good, and eventually come to fall in love with one another. Fiona and Shrek. It sends up old fairy tales about romances by making the characters who are traditionally monsters into the romantic leads. We can all see that. But what happens with the comic relief sidekick Donkey in the film? Why, he also gets to fall in love. There is a wiggy romance between the donkey and a female dragon in the film. I recently watch five of the Air Bud movies (which was, perhaps, unwise), and even in that series the dog gets a romance. Seriously. The frickin' dog. These are movies for little kids. Do they really need a dog romance? Well, certainly some of them must, otherwise someone wouldn't have written them that way.

These romantic conventions were old when Shakespeare did them, and probably stem from medieval tales of knight errantry and traditions of Commedia dell'Arte. A good comedy, convention argues, must end with a marriage. Or at least a “pairing up.” Ask your Shakespeare teacher, and they'll tell you that the main delineation between a comedy and a tragedy is the number of marriages at the end. Tragedies end with death. Comedies end with marriage, which is a reaffirmation of life. Joy vs. sadness. Hope vs. despair. There's a reason the theater is represented by masks of comedy and tragedy.

And the comic mask, when it comes to movies, is always worn by the romantic subplot. You've seen all the recent superhero movies, right? How many of them have a love interest? All of them. Spider-Man has Mary Jane. Batman has Rachel (or Vicki, or Selena, etc.). Superman has Lois Lane. The Hulk has Betty. Thor has Natalie Portman. Two of The Fantastic Four marry one another. The Green Lantern got that one raspy-voiced lady. Catwoman has that guy played by Benjamin Bratt. Daredevil has Elektra. Elektra has that one wussy guy. Even Mr. Furious in Mystery Men got to land a smooch with Claire Forlani. Remember her? Remember Mystery Men? Love is what motivates just about every single superhero. They may talk about ethical obligation or deep-seated needs for revenge, but most of them work to impress a lady (or fella for the few lady superheroes). This may not be a comment on superheroes or superheroic deeds, per se, but it is something that Hollywood screenwriters feel they must insert.

Ever noticed how sometimes supporting characters get a love interest? Like when Hagrid made eyes at that one giant woman in the fourth Harry Potter movie? How do you feel when moments like that come? Are you bored? My guess is you will, like me, kind of smile a little bit, and relax knowing that Hagrid might actually get a date, and go through some sweet romantic scenarios with this woman. The supporting character's romance is usually just icing on the cake, but, well, cakes need icing, right? Indeed, the supporting characters' romances in movies are typically far more ideally realized than that of the main characters'. The leads must go through some sort of struggle to achieve their romance, and their struggle is what is creating the drama. The supporting characters never have to struggle. They are well matched and happy from the start. I recently saw the James Bond film Moonraker, and the gigantic thug Jaws, played by Richard Kiel, is given a girlfriend in the form of a cute, small Swiss woman. It is love at first sight, and they have no romantic conflicts. Two people found each other. James Bond himself never had it so easy. Luke Skywalker and Han Solo have some romantic arguments over Princess Leia in the first Star Wars (which was before the stupid you-are-my-sister plot twist of Return of the Jedi), and we forget that perhaps Owen and Beru had the perfect romance. Well, up until they were killed.

This is accepted by most people, this ubiquity of love. When a character is given their own romantic subplot, we rarely bat an eye. At the worst, we'll kind of settle into our seats, and sigh in recognition of the ancient story. Is this weird, though? That a romantic plotline need to be inserted into most every film? Sometimes to the point where it begins to feel artificial? It's here that we get into Hollywood formula writing. Most mainstream big-budget screenplays you'll find, whether they're good or bad, all tend to hit similar story beats. The advertisers know what sells, and what sells is love stories. Some would say this is a cynical need to grab a female audience for an otherwise boy-oriented film. Others would say that a good screenplay wouldn't be complete without a good love story. Most, however, probably take the love story in stride. We're just so used to them.

Indeed, I'm not sure if many mainstream Hollywood films could even be made without some sort of romance involved. Audiences may reject it. Yes, there are infinite stories in the world, but love is the one we require. It's rare that you'll find a film about a male and a female, both straight, of about the same age, and not think about the two as a couple. Even if the film casts them as two friends, and they stay friends, and they never have any sort of direct romantic interaction, we'll still think of them as a romantic pair. It's this sort of closeness that we crave, and that we interpret as a love story. Any opposite-sex characters that grown close are potential lovers.

When two men get together, it can be seen as a romance, but usually isn't. Same with two women. Although there are many, many films in the world with queer subtext (tell me those two guys from Rope aren't sleeping together), it's the heteronormative couple that persists. Is this a form of homophobia? I'd say not. There are plenty of amazing gay romances in the world, as well as the above-mentioned subtext films (which I seek out like a hawk). To be fair, though, the bulk of people on the planet are heterosexual. You'll find, though, that just about every single queer film in the world is about romance. Love and romance, man. They're everywhere.

Heck, even Eraserhead has a love interest.

So, ladies, sit down with your fella and watch any film this Valentine's Day. Anything. You'll find that you're sharing a sweet and tender love story with your man. Point out the love story. Talk about the relationships. Fellas, maybe you can do the same. Argue that it's okay to watch Top Gun for the 50th time, as it's actually a love story about a pilot. Sweetheart, Zack is the only thing that could really have redeemed the ambitious Nomi Malone, and Cristal was the only person Nomi really loved. All those bare boobs? Just ancillary to what Showgirls is really about. Really, honey. It's time to curl up and snuggle on the couch in front of a love story.

Homework for the Week:

Watch a genre that you don't usually watch. Is there a love story? Who was involved in the love story? How vital is a love story to your enjoyment of a film? Be honest. Watch a good romance movie. Go for Say Anything… How much does love play into the characters' lives? How romantic is the filmmaker? Watch a middling romantic comedy. Try, er…Just Go with It. How does a film like that treat love? When you watch a film, do you find yourself coupling people in your head? Even if it's just a vague sexual fantasy, are you doing it?